What is being Stolen?

It is ash Wednesday and my head is all over the place. I have been pondering and pondering my place in the church and in particular in the RCA. I visited a group of churches yesterday that do not hire ordained women (love the conscience clause). I think of the scene from the movie Elf where the kind little friend says to Buddy "you bring the elf choir down a whole octave"... in this case I brought it up a whole octave. I'm not really sure how I feel about that except to say that it pushes me right off of my confidence rock. I finished my presentation and returned to my hotel room a whir of emotion (I mean, it went well and everyone was super nice, it just left me with an odd feeling). What is my place in all of this? I sat down on my bed and looked over at the the coat rack that I had neglected to hang my coat on but had haphazardly left my scarf dangling from. It was a beautiful "God moment". It hung there with the pattern perfectly at front almost aligned end to end just like a pastors stole. So I cried. I then hopped online to discover that an old friend gave his testimony at his church and was baptized last weekend (I'm a small church girl, but gotta love big churches and technology sometimes). He said to me in a FB note "even when things were way out of whack the one thought I always had (even to the point it was pissin me off!! :D) was how you maintain to be so positive and speak your beliefs....I get it now. :D". I watched his testimony. I read his note. And I just sobbed and sobbed. It's a funny world we live in and God's power is, well, astounding. Just when I am about a half a shake away from saying "this is nuts, I am every bit the person I used to be, I'm just a girl and why would I even want to fight that fight, I'm tired (It's finals week), and even though I don't doubt my call, I do doubt myself" there God is. He calls one home that I really know well and have been rooting for and he draws my eyes to my old scarf on a dingy coat rack in a dim hotel room in snowy, nowhere Wisconsin.

ps, I am discipline challenged and this my my lent
(words of encouragement welcomed):

http://40days.bloodwatermission.com/members/kfishery/